How Many Female Dominants Are Out There?

(Author: Jane)

This is a casual post or journal entry on the exploration of my simple, personal curiosity. (I’m skipping the personal introduction for now. Perhaps I will write one in the near future.) How many women are into BDSM? How large is the pool of Dommes in BDSM communities? What does the ratio of Dommes to male submissives look like?

Rarity of Dommes

Such curiosity grew from my observation on the rarity of Dommes. The fact that Dommes are greatly outnumbered by male submissives (even without hard evidence, it’s probably not a surprise to anyone since it’s very obvious to tell). While I could definitely sense such rarity, I decided to check out the numbers.

The ratio between male Dominants and submissives, female Dominants and submissives (excluding switches and focusing on Doms and subs just for simplicity in talking) that I had perceived in was roughly something like
MD : Ms : FD : Fs = 25 : 15 : 1 : 10, regardless of Asian communities or global ones.

To take a better look, I went to one of my more familiar communities (an Asian one) that used online forums and dug out some actual numbers – by the number of profiles with self introductions, the ratio looks something like
MD : Ms : FD : Fs = 8 : 6 : 1 : 3. I believe the situation will probably greatly differ by local cultures, age, etc.

Meanwhile, I found an interesting study that was done in the United States in 2015 (not entirely about BDSM but the poll included several relevant questions):

Q: Do you prefer to be dominant or submissive in bed?	Total	Male	Female
Dominant	10%	18%	4%
Submissive	15%	10%	21%
Neither	33%	32%	35%
Both	28%	32%	24%
Don’t know	9%	8%	10%
Prefer not to say	5%	2%	8%
(Unweighted N)	(940)	(438)	(502)

That low percentage of females dominant in bed was as expected, but the ratios that I perceived in the communities were greater imbalances than how it can be perceived through the above poll. Of course, being dominant in bed is not equivalent to pursuing a relationship with a role of dominance…but maybe. Maybe, in real life, it’s not that dramatically skewed.

Generally speaking, Dommes appear to be rare due to many factors, such as:

• Pressure to conform to societal norms and gender roles: Traditional societal norms, gender roles, and expectations on femininity often position or even shape women into submissive or passive roles, both in general life and in sexual relationships, than roles of control and power.
• Limited number of those who identify as Dommes: There are few who openly identify themselves as a Dominant due to personal preferences, To this day, I would still risk a social stigma if I were revealed to be a woman of dominant traits. There are likely many who never surface or enter into a BDSM community.
• Relative online presence: Similar to the situation of women, traditional societal norms often portray men as the dominant figures, both in general life and in sexual relationships. Therefore, submissive desires are difficult to fulfill, hence making the male submissives’ search for female dominants is more impassioned and visible, further skewing the perceived ratio.
• Personality: Some people are introverts; some are not a fan of being active in communities; some just want to keep their private lives very, very private. Not every Domme is eager or open to the thought of joining a community, especially if she is a lazy, quiet person like me. This probably applies to every role, though, not just female dominants, but it still reduces the number of those visible.

With the above points, if I assume (with zero proof) that about 40~50% of females with BDSM tendencies ever surface into BDSM communities, the derived ratio with females’ numbers in the poll cut down can snap to a number similar to the one I observed in that Asian community.

Tips on Approaching a Domme: A Sincere Request

Whichever the ratio, the imbalance is quite challenging, almost (understatement) discouraging for male submissives. With the social stigma risks, compatibility of needs, compatibility of sub-roles, aesthetic preferences, personality preferences, sexual orientation, physical location, daily lifestyle…it is already quite difficult to find the right partner to engage in BDSM dynamics with, not to mention with that imbalance applied.

Nevertheless, Dommes also face challenges in searching for the right partner. There were times that I received more than 200 responses to a personal ad I had posted in an online community, and I still did not end up in a D/s relationship. I admit that I am quite the selective one, but I do wish to share some thoughts in my point of view (I can’t speak for other genders or roles), hoping to make both sides’ lives easier:

• Don’t spam: This is the obvious one. If you are reaching out to a Domme after discovering her profile, or responding to her personal ad, please don’t simply copy and paste a chunk of words that don’t include information relevant to why you reached out to HER, specifically. BDSM relationships are all about building trust and understanding, and if I were the Domme, I wouldn’t want to get any personal with a bullhorn.
• Introduce yourself: I can’t believe I have to say this out loud. Please, introduce yourself. What’s your personality like? Where are you based? What is the fundamental need that you seek to gratify? What are your physiques?
  I wouldn’t consider a bucket-list of kinks as an introduction of yourself – if I saw anything like such, I would consider it an implication of ‘I want you to be my tool to satisfy these curiosities/fetishes of mine’.
• Understand yourself: Invest enough time in self-discovery with the help of research and communities. Although BDSM relationships are much about exploring together, no one can start with a blank piece of paper, especially when trying to understand someone else. You will need to understand your desires and direction of exploration and be capable of accurately conveying it to a potential partner. The Domme will want to grasp an idea of what makes you attractive as a submissive and whether you’d be compatible.
• Why her: Despite the rarity, there are many, many Dommes in the world. How did you reach this informed decision of contacting this person in particular? Of course, with limited information, it may be difficult to explain extensively, but you can at least point out what was the starting point.

I believe my words make sense…but this is already quite rare to witness. Amongst the 200 responses for the ad I posted back in 2015, I only responded to 15, and that includes declining to those sincere and kind messages.

In short, my advice (and the true purpose of this post) is that you need to learn to represent yourself properly. Deep down, we all just want to find the right partner, expose who we really are, explore what we’re capable of, and ultimately satisfy our desires. Don’t make your approach, your words, your actions an unfair judgement of what you truly are.