BDSM is a world full of diverse practices and unique preferences. Understanding your own desires is a crucial first step in navigating this intricate landscape. Recognizing your kinks, those particular practices or concepts that excite you, and how they connect to your fundamental desires, can greatly enhance your experiences in BDSM. This post aims to guide you in this process of introspection and understanding. By breaking down your kinks to their root desires, you can not only engage in more fulfilling BDSM experiences but also communicate your needs and desires more effectively.
Introspection: The Deep Dive
In one of our previous posts “Discover Your BDSM Role: An Introduction to Self-Identification and Exploration,” we have mentioned introspection as a key step in self-discovery and identifying one’s role within BDSM.
Understanding one’s self on a deeper level indeed leads to more rewarding BDSM experiences, as it allows us to pursue the activities that align with our fundamental needs and wants. More importantly, it will allow us to gain a clearer perspective of the specific dynamics we want in a BDSM relationship, thus engage with partners who understand and may cater to our heart’s desires.
For instance, a person might be drawn towards bondage, but through introspection, they might realize that the fundamental desire is not the ropes or chains itself, but the surrender of control that comes with the physical restriction. Another may be drawn towards kneeling before the Dominant, and further realize it’s the Dominant’s hand on neck, the sense of ownership and belonging, that truly gives satisfaction. Thus, introspection is a crucial part of BDSM that helps refine surface-level kinks, those observable and actionable aspects of BDSM, down to the core desires.
When people first encounter BDSM, they are introduced to those readily identifiable activities, such as bondage, role-play, impact play, acts of control or restriction, etc. The visual stimulation, if not repulsive, attracts and captures them to open their eyes towards other surfaces of the BDSM realm. However, this often leads to a stagger in their self-discovery as there are so few resources that guide them towards the underlying motivations and emotional needs that drive those surface-level kinks.
Of course, there are many cases where the drive is fetishism, experimentalism, hedonism, etc. You may come to the self-discovery to be likewise. However, there are so many cases – especially those who seek a role that immerses beyond private play or scenes into relationship dynamics – where it is important to pinpoint the deeper, perhaps abstract, significance in one’s inclinations.
From “What” to “Why”
Here is one possible strategy to identifying and understanding those fundamental desires.
- Identify Actionable Kinks: Similar to what has been mentioned in “Discover Your BDSM Role: An Introduction to Self-Identification and Exploration,” the starting point is identifying some of those surface-level kinks that have intrigued you.
- Identify the Situation: What is the scenario, story, or situation behind the act? Who is present, or absent? What is the ambience? What’s the pattern or common denominator that draws your attention?
- Course of Imagination: Have you placed yourself as the one in control, or as the receiver? What action do you wish to follow with?
- Emotions or Feelings: What would you need or want in that situation? How does that make you feel? With the desired course of action, what feelings would that further develop for you?
Try to be very, very specific in your thoughts. Taking bondage (as the receiver) for example, is it the ropes that intrigued you? Is it the cuffs? Furniture or equipment? Why do you think you prefer leather cuffs over ropes? Is it because it gives a stronger sense of restriction? If ropes, is it because your movement may further dig into your skin and remind you of your situation?
When you place yourself in the situation, what posture are you in? Will the posture make you feel safe? Or will it make you feel vulnerable? Do you want the Dominant to be visible where you are? Or do you want to the Dominant to be behind you, only to let you hear the Dominant’s footsteps as they walk in watch?
What do you wish to be done to you afterwards? Do you want to be vulnerable for impact? Do you want a role-play to follow? Do you want to be held in arms for touches? Do you want to be exposed in watch? Do you want the activities to develop sexually?
Depending on the answers that any of those questions or any not there lead to, what you seek may be very different. It may be intimacy, vulnerability, humiliation, sexual pleasure, thrill, trust; but whatever it may be, there’s no right or wrong. You may need to ask yourself even more questions to ultimately pinpoint your underlying motivations and emotional needs. This will allow you to better understand your desires, communicate them to potential partners, and develop healthy dynamics within aligned expectations.
Another essential point to mention is that introspection should be continual, not a one-time homework. Preferences and boundaries can change and evolve over time, and it is important to check in with oneself regularly to acknowledge these changes and accurately convey them to your partner as well.
Challenges
It is important to be aware of some obstacles in introspection to minimize their influence in your self-discovery. For instance:
- Societal Conditioning and Guilt: Our societies often come with a pre-established set of expectations about what is ‘normal’ or ‘acceptable’ in the realm of sexual desires. These societal norms, although changing, can cause internal conflicts, as your desires may not align with these expectations. It can lead to feelings of guilt or shame, which can hinder the process of understanding and accepting your desires. Sometimes, “norms” even exist within BDSM communities. It’s crucial to recognize this societal conditioning and approach your introspection with a non-judgmental and compassionate mindset. It’s important to remember that there is no ‘normal’ in the context of personal desires as long as they fall within consensual acts between adults.
- Changing Desires: Our sexual desires are not static; they are influenced by our experiences, relationships, and stages of life. Over time, you might notice your interests shifting, evolving, or even fading, which can lead to confusion or doubt. However, these changes are a natural part of our personal growth and exploration. Recognizing this fluidity can alleviate stress and help navigate periods of change more smoothly. Regular introspection can help you stay in tune with your evolving desires.
- Fear of Rejection or Judgment: The fear of being judged or rejected because of your desires can be a significant barrier to introspection and open communication with potential partners. It’s common to worry about how others will react, especially when your desires fall outside what’s conventionally accepted. Sometimes you may even try to distort your understanding of yourself to fit into a potential partner’s needs or standards. This is actually pretty common because of the incredible difficulty of finding the right BDSM partner. However, you need to encourage yourself to communicate openly and honestly about your desires with potential partners, as a healthy relationship can only be developed through well-aligned expectations and pre-communicated boundaries. Know what you are, and convey them appropriately.
- Understanding versus Acting on Desires: Understanding your desires doesn’t necessarily equate to acting upon them. Some desires might be purely fantasy-based, appealing in your imagination, but not something you’d want to experience in reality. It’s perfectly okay and common to have such desires. Separating these fantasies from desires you wish to act upon can prevent unnecessary confusion or disappointment. It can also alleviate potential pressure or anxiety you might feel to fulfill all your desires. The goal of understanding your desires is to better understand yourself and your needs in a BDSM dynamic, not to act on every single desire you uncover.
Understanding your fundamental needs and wants in the realm of BDSM is a deeply personal and introspective process. It requires self-compassion, acceptance, and honesty with oneself. Recognizing your core desires will form the bedrock of your BDSM dynamics, help you communicate your needs effectively, and help seek out the right partners or communities. Remember, this introspective process is not a one-time event but an ongoing endeavor, as our desires can change and evolve over time. Make your BDSM experiences more fulfilling, safe, and aligned with your authentic self.
Echoed Bounds 